What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.... right?

We hear that quote all the time. Everyone is going through something that nobody knows about. For some reason, people choose to keep their struggles hidden, but what for? They wanna look strong? They don't want people to worry?

But here are some things that I've learned over the last little while:

-People will think you're strong no matter what your struggle is, because they see you working hard to get through it.

-People are going to worry about you whether you want them to or not.

-There is always someone who can relate to whatever it is you are struggling with.

So for those reasons, I want to share a little bit about our struggles. For some reason, I am dead set on making my social media platforms show that everything is going great, that we aren't going through anything bad, and our lives are perfect. That seriously could not be farther than the truth.

In February 2017, Kurtis lost his job, which put us into a downward spiral financially, to the point that we moved into his parent's basement for what was originally only going to be a couple of months, but turned into almost a year and a half. We just barely moved out this past week, and after 16 months, it is so weird to not have them there with us. We obviously are ecstatic to be back out on our own, but I still cried driving away from their house with all our stuff in a trailer and the trunks of our cars. I have never felt more grateful for Kurtis's parents. To me, they aren't just in-laws. They are such amazing people who I can't thank enough for their hospitality and patience with us. I know it couldn't have been easy keeping us there for so long, but it meant the world to us.

In January of this past year, I miscarried our second child. I am still struggling with the effects of that. We have also been trying to get pregnant again for the past 7 months to no avail, and it has been absolutely crushing to us. I took getting pregnant with Annie so easily for granted, even though I desperately tried not to. Every time Aunt Flo comes to visit, I die a little bit inside. To those who suffer from infertility, I am so sorry. I thought I knew what that was like before, but I honestly had no idea. To those who have never struggled with it, please be sympathetic to those who are. I can't express how painful whenever people talk about how they hate being pregnant, when right now, it's the only thing I want in the whole world. And people telling me how I should be grateful to the fact that I've already had one baby doesn't make me feel any better, because I want Annie to have a sibling someday. 

There have been a lot of times over the last year where Kurtis and I have felt that there aren't very many people to talk to. I want to apologize to anyone who feels as if we have shut you out. It was not intentional. We have been completely in our own heads for the last year, just trying to hold ourselves together and focus on what's important, and I'm sorry if some side effects of that was cutting back on our communication.

OKAY. Now to some happy things.

Annie is growing so much. She can count to 10, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, turn on her games on my phone, and dance along with the Wiggles! She turns 2 at the end of next week and I can hardly handle it!! She is getting so big, and my little Mom heart can't stand it! She is so adorable, and we love her so much!!! She can speak some full sentences, mostly "Please have cheese" and "I'm not tired"! I love watching her discover new things and learn new words. (My current favorite word that she says is "delicious"! She says it "DE-lissis.")

Kurtis is doing well at work, and so am I. There have been a couple changes at my job since I last wrote a post, including me going from the bottom of the barrel, to one of the highest positions at the Chick-fil-A location that I work at. I have been working extremely hard to get to where I am, and I truly love my job so much!! Kurtis is still working at the North Davis Cabinet shop, and he seems to enjoy it. Of course, there are some downs to every job, but we have been extremely blessed with where we are at right now.

A major plus side to all of these trials that we have been facing is that I can still look at my sweet husband and be confident that I made the right choice in marrying him. He is my rock. He is always so patient with me, and listens to all of my feelings and concerns, even when they are really super small. I love the fact that when he smiles, I still melt a little bit. He is absolutely everything to me, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. He truly is so amazing.

Anyways. I'm impressed if you guys made it this far reading this haha. I tend to ramble a lot, but that's okay. 

Miscarriage.

To whoever is reading this,

I've been contemplating writing this blog post for a long time. My reasons for not writing it are pretty simple; it's personal, I wouldn't know what to say, and I'm not sure how people would react. But at the end of the day, nothing has helped me through this process more than those people who have reached out who have gone through it themselves. So I feel the need to share my experience, so that when someone else goes through it, they know that I am always there to talk.

On Christmas Eve this last year, Kurtis and I found out we were expecting our second child. We were through the roof excited. Annie has been such a blessing in our lives, and we couldn't wait to see how Baby #2 would add to that. We had names picked out and plans made and even started stocking up on things.

On January 24, I had my first ultrasound. The doctor seemed a little concerned about the size of the baby. He said that there was a chance of miscarriage, but that he was just hoping the dates were wrong. He had me come back the next week and see if there was any progress in the baby's growth.

Spoiler! There wasn't. At the end of January, I was supposed to be measuring at 9 weeks, and I was only measuring 5. I had lost the baby.

The first couple of days after hearing the news of losing the baby are a blur. I don't remember much. I was thankfully given a few days off work to be with my family. I spent a lot of that time in bed, just crying and wondering why.

People who knew about it would say things like "Well it was early enough that you don't know if there was actually a baby there." Or "At least you get to raise that baby in the next life." Or my personal favorite, "Well you dont want two kids right now, right? This was an accident?"

These comments didn't help a whole lot. I had this crazy blur of emotions, as they say is common. I called my friend just sobbing because I thought I had killed my baby.

Obviously that's not the case, but a lot happens emotionally during a miscarriage.

Now, I have to brag for a minute about my amazing husband. Kurtis has been such a trooper with me through this process. I cry for no reason, I get upset over dumb things, my patience is like non-existent, and still he kisses me goodnight and holds my hand. I couldnt have asked for a better partner!
(Oh and he surprised me with our sweet puppy as a way to help me cope with the loss! ❤)

Annie has been a huge blessing as well. I honestly believe that she knew I was struggling, so for a while she gave me more hugs, blew me more kisses, and said "mama" way more often just to make me feel better.

This has been one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my entire life. Although the dust is settling, and I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore, I think about this baby every day. I found a picture on Facebook that hit me so incredibly hard that has made all the difference. It was a picture of Christ holding a baby. I can barely look at the picture without crying. We bought our own copy because it reminds us of the big picture.

I know those of you who are still reading may not know what to say. And that's fine, you don't have to say anything. I just appreciate you reading and listening. We love each and every one of you so much. Thank you for being a part of our lives and for loving us. ❤

Until next time.

So Much Has Happened

I'm sorry to those of you who actually read this blog. I haven't posted since March, and I have a lot of reasons for the wait.

So so so so so so so much has happened to this little Flinn family in the last 8 months. I'm not sure that I'll be able to share it all in a blog post, but I'll do my best so that those of you who read this can know and understand exactly how we are doing.

Annie is now a happy, funny, cute 1 year old. She is always so smiley and happy. She loves just about everyone. She'll always wave to random people in the grocery store or at restaurants. She still doesn't really cry a whole lot, unless she's teething, but even then she's just more grumpy and clingy. She has one tiny little tooth, and we can't tell if more are coming yet or not. She always can bring a smile to our faces with her little toothless grin. She is just so cute and we love her so much!!!

The last time I posted an update, Kurtis had just lost his job at North Ogden City. He was hired on at Senske Services, and stayed there for about 2 weeks, when he left because of not being able to pass certification. About two weeks after that, he was hired on by Tuxedo Lawn Care, another tree service, but they let him go about a week after hiring him. When Kurtis was let go, the only reasonable excuse we could find for them letting him go was because he wasn't Hispanic. Kurtis was asking for a higher pay than minimum, and they let him go because of it.

Finally Kurtis was hired on with North Davis Cabinet and Design in the middle of June. This job has proven to be a huge blessing in our lives. It's in Clearfield, and he has loved working there. He has done cabinet work before, and it's something that he's comfortable with. And they are paying him well, and we get really good benefits too. Kurtis will probably be there for a while, and I'm okay with that.

At the end of May, Kurtis and I moved into Kurtis's parents' basement. It definitely wasn't an ideal situation, but it has helped us so much. We moved from Brigham City to Harrisville for about a month, and now we live in Morgan. We like having our own little basement apartment, but we do hope to move into our own place again soon.

In the middle of May, I was hired on as a team member for Chick-fil-A. I left my job at Smiths, sadly, but I have really come to love working at Chick-fil-A. For those of you who don't know, I worked at Chick-fil-A as a teenager, and I love that I came back to work for this company. I'm now a team lead and I just love my job.

This year, Kurtis chose to raise six turkeys. Although it wasn't my idea of a good way to spend our money, it has made Kurtis very happy to be out with them. We have been able to sell our turkeys as well, which always is a good thing. :) Kurtis also was able to have the opportunity to take on responsibility of taking care of the family cows, one of which was given to him.

Kurtis really enjoys taking Annie out to help him do farm chores. "Gotta teach them young!"

Well, I think that catches us up on the Flinn Family. We are just taking life a day at a time and hoping for the best. :) Thanks for reading!

PS If you haven't watched the tv show Arrow, you should. It's one of mine and Kurtis's new obsessions! :)

Update

I realized the other day that I haven't put up a blog post for a while. I haven't forgotten about my blog, but the problem is that I don't really have much to write about.

Annie is almost 5 months old now. She has the funniest personality. She seriously is the biggest daddy's girl. Kurtis can always make her happy and he knows it. He says it's a blessing and a curse. He loves being her best friend, but he hates that she only wants him most of the time. He likes a break every now and then, and Annie doesn't like to let him have it.

Kurtis lost his job at the beginning of February. It has been extremely difficult on our financial situation, along with our marriage. He lost it because of an accident he got into, and he had a hard time passing the second part to the CDL test. It came as a huge shock to us, but we've been able to work through it. He finally did find a job at Senske Services, a lawn care and pest control company. Although it is a good job, it requires certification in pest control, which has proven to be a very difficult thing to obtain. Kurtis has been struggling with the exam that he needs to pass, and we aren't sure how much longer they will keep him. However, we have turned in a lot more applications to different places, and we're hoping we hear back from one soon.

Work for me has gone pretty good. Nothing too exciting has happened there recently. I just love the people I work with. I've gotten really lucky and have a great team to work with.

I think that's about it for us. There isn't much else that's new for us. We are just trying to keep busy and keep happy. :)

2016... Year In Review

It has been quite the year for Kurtis and me. As I sit and look back on 2016, I have a lot of smiles and a lot of tears.
In February, my grandma passed away unexpectedly. She had been in the hospital for a surgery, and was in recovery when all of a sudden, she collapsed while walking around the ward. Her heart gave out and she was gone after that. It was a hard time for me, but I'm glad that she's able to be with my Grandpa again.      

On Valentine's Day, Kurtis and I found out that we were expecting! We had decided to stop all kinds of birth control because we weren't getting a clear answer in our prayers on when to start a family. Turns out I got pregnant almost immediately, and I am so grateful for that.

In March, we lost Kurtis's granny. Although she had been in poor health for a long time, it was still an extremely hard time for Kurtis. She and Kurtis had been close, so losing her was rough.

In April we found out that our baby was gonna be a girl. It was kind of a shock to us, because we were convinced it was gonna be a boy. However once we started getting some little girl clothes, it made it so much more real to us, and looking back I can't imagine how I ever thought we were gonna have a boy first.

In May, we had yet another death in the family. My great-grandfather passed away at 99 years old. It was a little surprising to me, but seeing how old he was, it wasn't too much of a shock.

In June, Kurtis quit his job at Anvil and in July, started his new job at North Ogden. He enjoys his job there and what he does. I think it's made huge difference to have him working outside. It's made him so happy! I think his favorite part though is his enhanced farmer's tan and calluses.

In September, Kurtis's sister Courtney got married (and to a Courtney!). That was a moment of sunshine for the family. We were so excited to have Court join the family!

However, that happiness didn't last too long, because within two days of Court and Courtney getting married, Kurtis's gramps passed away very unexpectedly. I think this death was the hardest for Kurtis. Gramps was a huge influence in Kurtis's life and I think it hit him hardest.

On October 27th, our sweet daughter Annie was born. She was the highlight of our year, without any question. She brings so much light and joy into our lives, and reminds us to be our best selves.

On Halloween, we had the final death of this year. Kurtis's Grandma Flinn passed away after a year of poor health. Although he wasn't as close to this grandma as he was to his granny, I think this took a toll on Kurtis as he realized that he no longer had any grandparents around.

We spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas with Kurtis's family this year because of them being close to us. Kurtis was on call for both holidays, but was called in on Christmas to help plow snow. That was hard for the both of us to spend the morning and early afternoon apart on the holiday, but luckily they let him go home for the day around 1. I was definitely grateful for that!

Annie's blessing was on December 4th, and I was so lucky to have almost all of my family come. It's hard to have them live so far away, but I'm glad they were able to make it.

If there's one thing that 2016 taught Kurtis and me, it's that life is short. With the 5 different funerals we've been to this year, plus the birth of our baby, it reminds me that this life is temporary. There's so much more than just being here. I'm so grateful for the knowledge that we will see those who have passed again. I know that families are forever.

Goodbye, 2016. I can't say that I'll miss you, but I'm grateful for what I've learned from you.

Hello 2017. :)

Annie Ray Flinn

So our little girl has finally arrived!! (Almost 3 weeks ago now... Sorry it's taken me so long to update this blog. I've been busy!) Before I get started, I'm gonna post all the bump pictures I took. Just to show how big I got!

21 weeks

23 weeks

29 weeks

35 weeks

 38 weeks

40 weeks

So here's a quick rundown of the birth story. At my 40 week appointment, my doctor determined that we were going to induce, which was fine with me. I liked knowing when she was coming, instead of having it be a surprise. I felt like I was able to plan a little bit better and prepare myself a little more before she came.
We arrived at Brigham City Community Hospital at 4 am on October 27, 2016. We checked in and got our room and things got going. After careful thinking, I had chosen to have Kurtis, my mother-in-law LillieAnn, and my sister Allie in the delivery room, and I'm so glad that each of them was there. Kurtis was as excited as could be, while still being super nervous. LillieAnn didn't come right at 4 am (and who can blame her? she didn't have to be there that early), but when she showed up around 7 with chocolate milk and donuts, I knew I had made a good choice. Allie is the sister that I am closest with, and I was so grateful to have her there. She was there as my doula, and she definitely knew how to keep me laughing. My favorite point was when she showed me Shia Lebeouf's "Just Do It" video.
But anyway. They immediately set up my IV (I had tested positive for Grade B Strep, which basically meant that I had to be on antibiotics during labor and delivery, which was fine), although they had a hard time placing it. They poked me 4 or 5 times, and I didn't hold back when they finally got a vein. I had blood all over the little mat they had placed under my hand. Haha! They also got the baby monitor all set up, along with my blood pressure cuff. Then the nurses disappeared for a while. Around 6:30 am, they started me on Pitocin, which causes your body to go into labor.
I didn't feel contractions for a while, but once they hit, they didn't hold back. They definitely got more and more painful. I had decided before going into the hospital that I wanted to labor naturally as long as I could before getting the epidural, and finally around 12-noon, I asked for an epidural.
Getting the epidural placed was a blur for me. I remember that they kept asking me to lean farther forward, but because of the bump, I couldn't go any farther forward. I also remember vomiting a couple of times, which made Kurtis have to leave the room. But after what felt like 100 uncomfortable minutes, they finally had the epidural all in place and I was able to lay back down.
Once it kicked in, the epidural was nice. I was able to take a nap, which I hadn't anticipated. I was asleep for a couple of hours, and it was really good for me.
However, I kept waking up to a pain in my right hip. I kept pushing the epidural button (which basically gave me more pain medicine), but nothing was letting up on the pain. I finally called the nurse in and complained about the pain, and she brought in the anesthesiologist to bump up my dosage. Still nothing happened. After a while, he came back and bumped my dosage up again. Still nothing. However by that point, I was basically ready to push, so it was too late.
I started pushing between 3:30 and 4 pm. I don't remember a whole lot except that I kept accidentally repositioning my bed and my hip was hurting so badly! Apparently, it was extremely funny because I kept complaining "my hip, my hip!" Kurtis still teases me about that, but honestly, it was probably the worst pain I've ever felt. I was also able to feel the contractions coming. What I think happened was that my epidural wasn't placed properly, so I was completely numb on my left side, but felt EVERYTHING on my right side.
Pushing was rough. After what felt like forever, the nurses finally said, "Well, it looks like it's time to call Dr Ferguson!" I hadn't felt so relieved that I was almost done in my entire life. When he showed up, he was in the process of getting his gown on and some gloves, and I thought I had heard one of the nurses say, "Okay, push!" So I started pushing. Immediately I hear Dr Ferguson say, "WAIT!! I'm not ready yet!" And he reached out with his hand with a glove halfway on it to hold Annie's head. I apologized over and over again, and finally one of the nurses was like "Stop apologizing!"
After another 10 minutes or so of pushing, I hear oohs and aahs and Dr Ferguson says "Look, Jessica, it's your baby's head!" He held her head up over my hospital gown and my first thought was "Whoa, that's a big head." When Annie was the rest of the way out, they put her immediately on my chest and it was one of the most remarkable feelings I'd ever had.

I, of course, started crying. I couldn't believe how something that perfect could've come out of me. The nurses started cleaning her off and then we went right into skin-to-skin, which was amazing. Annie calmed down almost immediately when she was placed directly on me and that made me feel so good!

So there she is! Our sweet little Annie Ray Flinn, born October 27th at 6:01 pm, weighing 7 lbs 13 oz, and she was 20 inches long.

Carrie Underwood describes it very well in her song, "What I Never Knew I Always Wanted", when she says, "I never pictured myself singing lullabies, Sitting in a rocking chair in the middle of the night, In the quiet, in the dark, You're stealing every bit of my heart... What a sweet surprise, and Now I'm holding what I never knew I always wanted, I couldn't see, I was blind 'til my eyes were opened. Didn't know there was a hole, something missing in my soul, 'til you filled it up."

We absolutely love our sweet little girl. And she's almost 3 weeks old now!! How crazy!! I really had no idea how much my life could change, but I seriously have never been happier.

Here are some of my favorite pictures of her.

At 1 day old

2 weeks old

 Family Picture, taken when she was a week old

Two More Weeks!!

It has been so crazy the last few months!! We are down to the wire on waiting for the baby to come. I'm 38 weeks now!! That means only TWO MORE WEEKS until Little Miss is here! Kurtis and I couldn't be more excited! I spent all day yesterday getting the baby's room ready, including setting up the monitor and making sure all the baby clothes have been washed. It was an emotional day, but it was so good!
There really isn't much else that is new for Kurtis and me. We still live in Brigham City, although we aren't sure how long that's going to last. With Kurtis working in North Ogden, we are strongly considering moving closer to his work. But I like our little apartment and I would be happy if we stayed here for a while.
We had yet another death in the family a few weeks ago, along with several other life-changing events. This time it was Kurtis's Gramps, who Kurtis looked up to like no other. His passing was and has been extremely difficult for the Crittenden family, and it's amazing to see the kind of legacy one man can leave on the world.
Kurtis's sister Courtney got married a few weeks ago also. Her wedding was beautiful, and it just made me keep thinking about how lucky I am to have married someone like Kurtis. He truly is one of a kind and I'm the luckiest girl alive to have him for a husband. This Little Miss is gonna be so lucky to have him as a dad, and I'm so excited to see him take on that role. He even made a blanket for them to use when they snuggle. (I'm not allowed to use it! haha It's just the "Daddy and Baby" blanket.)
Oh! We also bought a new car!! Because of Kurtis having to commute to work and he and I having conflicting work schedules, we decided it was time to get a second car. After several months of looking and saving, we were able to get a 1999 Ford Expedition, and Kurtis was just thrilled! He wanted some sort of truck, but we couldn't find one in our price range, so he was willing to settle with an SUV, and we got a really good deal on this one, so we got it. It is really nice and we love having it.
So that's it for today. Next time I write, we will have our little girl with us!! :)

^Our Ford Expedition

^My 35 week baby bump!

^Ultrasound of the Little Miss from week 36