I've been contemplating writing this blog post for a long time. My reasons for not writing it are pretty simple; it's personal, I wouldn't know what to say, and I'm not sure how people would react. But at the end of the day, nothing has helped me through this process more than those people who have reached out who have gone through it themselves. So I feel the need to share my experience, so that when someone else goes through it, they know that I am always there to talk.
On Christmas Eve this last year, Kurtis and I found out we were expecting our second child. We were through the roof excited. Annie has been such a blessing in our lives, and we couldn't wait to see how Baby #2 would add to that. We had names picked out and plans made and even started stocking up on things.
On January 24, I had my first ultrasound. The doctor seemed a little concerned about the size of the baby. He said that there was a chance of miscarriage, but that he was just hoping the dates were wrong. He had me come back the next week and see if there was any progress in the baby's growth.
Spoiler! There wasn't. At the end of January, I was supposed to be measuring at 9 weeks, and I was only measuring 5. I had lost the baby.
The first couple of days after hearing the news of losing the baby are a blur. I don't remember much. I was thankfully given a few days off work to be with my family. I spent a lot of that time in bed, just crying and wondering why.
People who knew about it would say things like "Well it was early enough that you don't know if there was actually a baby there." Or "At least you get to raise that baby in the next life." Or my personal favorite, "Well you dont want two kids right now, right? This was an accident?"
These comments didn't help a whole lot. I had this crazy blur of emotions, as they say is common. I called my friend just sobbing because I thought I had killed my baby.
Obviously that's not the case, but a lot happens emotionally during a miscarriage.
Now, I have to brag for a minute about my amazing husband. Kurtis has been such a trooper with me through this process. I cry for no reason, I get upset over dumb things, my patience is like non-existent, and still he kisses me goodnight and holds my hand. I couldnt have asked for a better partner!
(Oh and he surprised me with our sweet puppy as a way to help me cope with the loss! ❤)
Annie has been a huge blessing as well. I honestly believe that she knew I was struggling, so for a while she gave me more hugs, blew me more kisses, and said "mama" way more often just to make me feel better.
This has been one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my entire life. Although the dust is settling, and I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore, I think about this baby every day. I found a picture on Facebook that hit me so incredibly hard that has made all the difference. It was a picture of Christ holding a baby. I can barely look at the picture without crying. We bought our own copy because it reminds us of the big picture.
I know those of you who are still reading may not know what to say. And that's fine, you don't have to say anything. I just appreciate you reading and listening. We love each and every one of you so much. Thank you for being a part of our lives and for loving us. ❤
Until next time.
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