What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.... right?

We hear that quote all the time. Everyone is going through something that nobody knows about. For some reason, people choose to keep their struggles hidden, but what for? They wanna look strong? They don't want people to worry?

But here are some things that I've learned over the last little while:

-People will think you're strong no matter what your struggle is, because they see you working hard to get through it.

-People are going to worry about you whether you want them to or not.

-There is always someone who can relate to whatever it is you are struggling with.

So for those reasons, I want to share a little bit about our struggles. For some reason, I am dead set on making my social media platforms show that everything is going great, that we aren't going through anything bad, and our lives are perfect. That seriously could not be farther than the truth.

In February 2017, Kurtis lost his job, which put us into a downward spiral financially, to the point that we moved into his parent's basement for what was originally only going to be a couple of months, but turned into almost a year and a half. We just barely moved out this past week, and after 16 months, it is so weird to not have them there with us. We obviously are ecstatic to be back out on our own, but I still cried driving away from their house with all our stuff in a trailer and the trunks of our cars. I have never felt more grateful for Kurtis's parents. To me, they aren't just in-laws. They are such amazing people who I can't thank enough for their hospitality and patience with us. I know it couldn't have been easy keeping us there for so long, but it meant the world to us.

In January of this past year, I miscarried our second child. I am still struggling with the effects of that. We have also been trying to get pregnant again for the past 7 months to no avail, and it has been absolutely crushing to us. I took getting pregnant with Annie so easily for granted, even though I desperately tried not to. Every time Aunt Flo comes to visit, I die a little bit inside. To those who suffer from infertility, I am so sorry. I thought I knew what that was like before, but I honestly had no idea. To those who have never struggled with it, please be sympathetic to those who are. I can't express how painful whenever people talk about how they hate being pregnant, when right now, it's the only thing I want in the whole world. And people telling me how I should be grateful to the fact that I've already had one baby doesn't make me feel any better, because I want Annie to have a sibling someday. 

There have been a lot of times over the last year where Kurtis and I have felt that there aren't very many people to talk to. I want to apologize to anyone who feels as if we have shut you out. It was not intentional. We have been completely in our own heads for the last year, just trying to hold ourselves together and focus on what's important, and I'm sorry if some side effects of that was cutting back on our communication.

OKAY. Now to some happy things.

Annie is growing so much. She can count to 10, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, turn on her games on my phone, and dance along with the Wiggles! She turns 2 at the end of next week and I can hardly handle it!! She is getting so big, and my little Mom heart can't stand it! She is so adorable, and we love her so much!!! She can speak some full sentences, mostly "Please have cheese" and "I'm not tired"! I love watching her discover new things and learn new words. (My current favorite word that she says is "delicious"! She says it "DE-lissis.")

Kurtis is doing well at work, and so am I. There have been a couple changes at my job since I last wrote a post, including me going from the bottom of the barrel, to one of the highest positions at the Chick-fil-A location that I work at. I have been working extremely hard to get to where I am, and I truly love my job so much!! Kurtis is still working at the North Davis Cabinet shop, and he seems to enjoy it. Of course, there are some downs to every job, but we have been extremely blessed with where we are at right now.

A major plus side to all of these trials that we have been facing is that I can still look at my sweet husband and be confident that I made the right choice in marrying him. He is my rock. He is always so patient with me, and listens to all of my feelings and concerns, even when they are really super small. I love the fact that when he smiles, I still melt a little bit. He is absolutely everything to me, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. He truly is so amazing.

Anyways. I'm impressed if you guys made it this far reading this haha. I tend to ramble a lot, but that's okay. 

Miscarriage.

To whoever is reading this,

I've been contemplating writing this blog post for a long time. My reasons for not writing it are pretty simple; it's personal, I wouldn't know what to say, and I'm not sure how people would react. But at the end of the day, nothing has helped me through this process more than those people who have reached out who have gone through it themselves. So I feel the need to share my experience, so that when someone else goes through it, they know that I am always there to talk.

On Christmas Eve this last year, Kurtis and I found out we were expecting our second child. We were through the roof excited. Annie has been such a blessing in our lives, and we couldn't wait to see how Baby #2 would add to that. We had names picked out and plans made and even started stocking up on things.

On January 24, I had my first ultrasound. The doctor seemed a little concerned about the size of the baby. He said that there was a chance of miscarriage, but that he was just hoping the dates were wrong. He had me come back the next week and see if there was any progress in the baby's growth.

Spoiler! There wasn't. At the end of January, I was supposed to be measuring at 9 weeks, and I was only measuring 5. I had lost the baby.

The first couple of days after hearing the news of losing the baby are a blur. I don't remember much. I was thankfully given a few days off work to be with my family. I spent a lot of that time in bed, just crying and wondering why.

People who knew about it would say things like "Well it was early enough that you don't know if there was actually a baby there." Or "At least you get to raise that baby in the next life." Or my personal favorite, "Well you dont want two kids right now, right? This was an accident?"

These comments didn't help a whole lot. I had this crazy blur of emotions, as they say is common. I called my friend just sobbing because I thought I had killed my baby.

Obviously that's not the case, but a lot happens emotionally during a miscarriage.

Now, I have to brag for a minute about my amazing husband. Kurtis has been such a trooper with me through this process. I cry for no reason, I get upset over dumb things, my patience is like non-existent, and still he kisses me goodnight and holds my hand. I couldnt have asked for a better partner!
(Oh and he surprised me with our sweet puppy as a way to help me cope with the loss! ❤)

Annie has been a huge blessing as well. I honestly believe that she knew I was struggling, so for a while she gave me more hugs, blew me more kisses, and said "mama" way more often just to make me feel better.

This has been one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my entire life. Although the dust is settling, and I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore, I think about this baby every day. I found a picture on Facebook that hit me so incredibly hard that has made all the difference. It was a picture of Christ holding a baby. I can barely look at the picture without crying. We bought our own copy because it reminds us of the big picture.

I know those of you who are still reading may not know what to say. And that's fine, you don't have to say anything. I just appreciate you reading and listening. We love each and every one of you so much. Thank you for being a part of our lives and for loving us. ❤

Until next time.